On Matters of the Heart

My current truths – which I find very fluid as of late.

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We find companions in different parts of our lives.

They are all incomparable and irreplaceable. It would be inaccurate to say that this person is a better lover than another, etc. At any given point in time, we are different people. The past you could have been perfect for the future him. We never know. And thus, we just embrace whatever we have and love the best way we know how at that time. And then we let them go in time. Or maybe we don’t ever let go. It doesn’t matter.

We should love not the idea of them. Not the future they promise. But we love in the now. Whoever we are now. We offer and accept what we can in the present.

The heart wants what it wants.

Never understood that until now. No matter how rational, intelligent, and sensible I think I am…my heart can be so stubborn and so loud that I have to listen. I have never followed it to this extent – of hurting the most important person in my life. Of being extremely and unapologetically selfish. Of being a straight-up asshole. I am not scared of regret, though. I can make choices, and I can take the consequences – the heartache, the bridges burned, the friendship wasted. What scares me is the person I become. The fact that I can take the pain – I am not quite sure if that makes me strong…or just heartless.

We are all entitled to change.

Our personal truths can change, sometimes maybe in the expense of someone else. And that’s okay. (Okay now this is just me trying to justify myself) But it is true. I’ve been on the opposite end of this too many times. People backing out on their commitment, in pursuit of happiness…at worst blaming others for their misery. Up to now, I think they were selfish and immature, and they failed to see the big picture. But also, maybe they needed it. Leaving doesn’t make them bad people. It just means they made different choices. For all I know, they are better people now for that. Who am I to cling on to anyone as if I can own anybody? It hurt. But that’s part of life. You love and you give, and sometimes (or most of the time) you don’t get anything back. But that’s love. That’s how you exercise your heart.♦

 

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